March 2 1991 Saturday
Paul: The focus seems to be more specific—the focus of my question—in that I have, as you know, been very uncomfortable for three days in my lower back, and have cancelled appointments to take steps to take care of myself; yesterday to a masseuse and today to a chiropractor. Now, I guess in light of what you’ve said recently, it feels like maybe I have gotten off the Homing beacon. And so I guess I would want to know, is that correct? What’s going on? Because, this doesn’t feel like forward movement. It does feel like things coming apart.
Raj: The simple fact is, Paul, that we are—and I mean, you and I—engaged in an undoing. An undoing of a pattern that has been relatively dominant throughout this lifetime. And the physical symptoms you are experiencing are part and parcel of that undoing.
Paul: I am listening.
Raj: Indeed, Paul, I know. First of all, relax. You are not on the hot seat. Secondly, do not imagine that you have gotten sidetracked. I am aware that you have tended to attribute the “back problem” to an objective event—the carrying of the groceries into the house the other day. But, I will tell you that this has nothing to do with any objective physical event, but rather, as I said, the undoing of a rather dominant belief structure. And if you had been sitting in a chair, unmoving, talking with me, this undoing would still have come about with absolutely no objective physical event to trigger it. Indeed that is, even so, the manner in which this has come forth.
Paul: I am listening.
Raj: I know, Paul. We are simply moving aside some inertia. Continue listening.
The circumstances attending your birth were very traumatic, I will say—uncomfortable for you. In the early stages of emergence, there was some period of time when you were experiencing compression in the area of your lower back and hips as the breech birth began—some blood deprivation, as though it were being squeezed toward your head and your feet from your posterior. This did not cause physical damage, but it caused you to feel a very unnatural feeling, together with an uninterrupted pain.
Let us squelch another belief right now. Indeed, you did turn around twice, thus positioning yourself for a “rear entry.” But it is not reasonable for you to carry with you, any longer, the belief that you are unwilling to face things head on; that even though the doctor turned you around twice and you twice reversed your position, it did not express a style, if you will, of approaching life.
It is absolutely imperative for you to release this sense that you have an avoidance of facing into life, and facing into that which is new, because the fact is that you have always faced into that which is new with simple interest, simple curiosity and energy for it. You have never toed the mark, as it were, and gone along the well-trampled path.
The suggestion that perhaps the breech birth indicated an inherent style of approach to life, was incorrect, but, you did pick up on it [the suggestion]. And because of the memory of the discomfort, which you don’t now remember, you have indeed adopted a stance that your growth, your expansion, is likely to be painful, and therefore, although you have always approached new thresholds with eagerness, you have moved over those thresholds with great caution. Yet, the nature of thresholds is that once you arrive at them, you find yourself precipitated over them. There is a natural thrust—you might say a movement—which occurs at thresholds, and so your reluctance, your great caution at the last instant, causes the natural spontaneous movement to be uncomfortable.
Now, this movement of Graduation, here, seems to you to be perhaps as significant as the experience of birth. And you are not misperceiving that. You are not making more out of it than it is. But it happens that in order to move over this Threshold, you are going to have to consciously release the so-called stigma of your breech birth, together with the “memory” of the pain, even though you have no conscious memory of it.
In so many words, you are going to have to forgive the circumstances under which this pain occurred. And I mean by that, all the circumstances—your choice of position, your mother’s choice of the place of delivery (that being a Christian Science Maternity Home rather than a hospital where they would have been more able to handle this kind of delivery with less trauma to it) and the physician for not insisting upon relocating to a hospital.
The simple fact is that none of these things may ever have been thought, but you would find them all lurking if you persisted in not forgiving the situation and releasing everyone else and yourself from the blame, as it were.
I will tell you something: The birth never happened! And the attending circumstances never happened! And thus, the belief that you are not able to look life squarely in the face is false, and supposed guilt is false. You will find when you finally come around totally, and find yourself present Here with me, that this birth process and the attending circumstances were part of the misperception.
Birth and death have never happened to anyone. It is time to release this sense of birth and the seeming proof of the physical formation of a physical body. The hurts or disappointments, the inevitable misunderstandings attending the so-called event of birth are nonexistent and therefore absolutely incapable of governing your ongoing experience of Conscious Being—and apparently holding that experience to a physical interpretation, even a physical experience of body—because body is not physical, and never has been.
That is exactly why it is necessary, now, to release this physical sense of birth and blame. It must be forgiven. Judgment must be withdrawn, from it, and from you, and from everyone involved, because it simply didn’t happen that way. Birth didn’t happen at all. The initiation of a new physical life simply is not what occurred.
It is time to release the beliefs and the seeming physical manifestations of the stress of that so-called birth. And the destabilizing, as it were, that you seem to be experiencing in your back is the precursor of reconfiguration. Indeed, I am very happy that you have the belt which the chiropractor gave you, so that you do not misuse your muscles to compensate while the instability leading to reconfiguration occurs. It is very important for you to know that self-judgment, self-criticism, self-doubt, at this point, are inappropriate.
How could you possibly bring your definition of body with you into your realization of Who You Are and Where You Are? You cannot. And so, you will have to watch your definitions disappear, literally! Your definitions of your body have in great part been evolved from this experience of “trauma” at the time of this so-called birth which you never, ever went through. So, I encourage you to be still curious and still willing and still allowing of the inevitable dissolving of illusion, of definitions. And please, be clear on the fact that you have not stepped aside from the Homing beacon. You are not engaged in a little irrelevant side trip here. Everything is right on target.
Your attention now needs to be, shall I say, not only on me, but it needs to be an active curiosity to observe the miraculous, to observe real healing—not with any sense of deadline, and certainly not with any sense of coercion. You cannot possibly be responsible for the uncovering of the Reality of You, because you didn’t create the Reality of You.
That is the end of this conversation.