February 6 1991 Wednesday
Paul: Over the past year, there have been certain things you have had me do, and there have been certain things you have said which have indicated a change—a shift in direction. We went on this last series of Workshops and you indicated that they contained the essence of everything that you had ever said, and they were to be put in print, and that, indeed, that series of Workshops somehow constituted a completion of something, which you referred to as Graduation.
We have returned home and nothing is working—and you know what I mean by that. There is no feeling of being on a wave, of having caught a wave. It feels like just sitting. There is no movement, no feel of movement, et cetera, and there is not an abundance of income to cover our simple needs.
This sounds very much like the sort of conversation I had with you nine years ago when we first started talking. So, I need to know what’s going on. And, I guess part of my question is: Is this Graduation simply an inner thing, a shift of perception on my part, or is it also a shift at this particular time in the work of the sort that you have described and which the instructions you have given me seem to imply. That’s my question.
I guess inherent in that question is a wondering, since this is the night before the ninth anniversary of our first conversation, whether the anniversary date has some significance in terms of being “the change line,” or whether there is a certain timeliness to all of this that is relative to this date?
Raj: Paul, this is both a shift within and a shift without of somewhat major proportions—not overwhelming, but definitely new, definitely different. It is not appropriate for either one of you to anticipate resistance to change as though that were a mitigating factor—one which should cause you to be hesitant about change. Either you are going to be on the crest of the wave with peace, or you will be there with great stress. But the stress will not be part of the experience of the crest. It will be part of the reluctance to allow yourself to be fully at the leading edge of the movement, and experiencing the joy of it.
I will tell both of you that your great problem is great concern with how others perceive what you are doing and what you will be doing. You are not here to gauge what you are being against others’ perceptions, whether limited or not. You are to gauge them according to the Homing beacon.
I will tell you something: Those who happen to be flying in somewhat loose formation around you, although they might not understand why you move the way you move, will be very upset if you lose the signal of the Homing beacon because you are concerned about how they will feel about your movements, even though they may jam the radio waves with shock and concern because they are using you and your flight path as a means of approaching Home themselves.
You never did reach out to know the Truth so that others might know the Truth, too. Nor did you do it so that you might get approval of others. You did it because you were in the pits! You were at your wit’s end. And you were at the limits of your ego’s ability to cope. No one else had anything else to do with the fact that rather than choosing for even greater exercise of control, you chose to yield into Guidance and thereby connect with the Homing beacon. And you chose for that because you had already arrived at a point of valuing that for your own reasons, which had nothing to do with anyone else.
Now others are using you as a means of sighting Home because you have chosen to be Consciously in touch with that Homing beacon, and that is fine. But, just because they have gathered around you does not mean you are to take on a role that they have put you in. You cannot now say, “I am their focal point for getting Home. I must therefore be responsive to their current ignorances, their current fears. I must gauge what I do according to what I think their ability to embrace is,” et cetera. You will lose connection with the Homing beacon if you try to make connection with everyone’s current limit of their comfort zone.
Indeed, you came to a realization at the beach today, that before all of the particular structure that now exists became manifested, before you had any thing reflecting something back to you about you—when your outer experience was not saying anything particularly good about you, when it was not confirming your success or your integrity—you felt your Integrity. And that is why structure or form appeared.
Now those who are watching you, those who, for their own reasons, have elected to use you as a guidepost or even a guide—and remember that I said for their own reasons—have expressed to you the manner in which they are using you, the use to which they are putting the fact that you are Listening—not to them, but to Guidance—and you have begun to say, “Oh, this says something about me. This reflects me back to me.” But, Paul, it doesn’t. It reflects to you the manner in which others are using you for their reasons. And simply because they have elected to do this does not mean that you are now obligated.
They would, if they could, obligate you not to provide any surprises for them that they cannot easily handle. Both you and they must remember that they elected to be with you for their reasons, and for their reasons they can elect not to. But at no point is it of value for you to be giving your attention to anything other than the Homing beacon which you, for your reasons, elected to connect with.
You must get back in touch with your own Integrity—the Integrity that you know full well and good exists, whether anyone else is using you as a wayshower or not, whether anyone else is using the trail that you are blazing, after you.
You see, you are beginning to feel that if they are uncomfortable with what you are doing or being, and they decide to get out of formation, and in their distress talk to other pilots and say, “Steer clear of that one, he’s crazy,” that somehow this says something about your Integrity.
The reason that there has been a shift from your awareness of your Integrity, which requires nothing external to it to validate it, to a point where your sense of your Integrity seems to be affectable by others’ opinions, is simply because others are with you. I mean that in the sense of “being around you” as you move on your Path. As I have said, they have indicated that they are conscientiously doing this, and it has implied that you now have a responsibility to them because they elected to do it. You are forgetting that they did it for their very own reasons, and that it doesn’t say anything about you. It says everything about them, and it needs to be left that way. But you have, in a compassionate way, taken on a sense of responsibility to them.
Well, I will tell you, if you truly want to be responsible to them, ignore them and stay on the Homing beacon, because at the bottom line, that is what they are depending upon you to do! For their own reasons!
My statement that I cannot express the Truth and also meet the ego’s criteria applies to your situation as well. You cannot give your attention to the Homing beacon and meet the criteria of those who are with you but are not yet experiencing the Homing beacon, and therefore are with you with greater fear than you are experiencing. Don’t worry about whether they drop away. You didn’t organize “the group,” did you? And they will “hop another leader.” They will get to their destination, and they may even connect with the Homing beacon sooner than the rest who remain with you. But, again, none of that is your concern!
Nine years ago, nine years ago tonight, you sat in the midst of nothing! Business collapsed, on food stamps, no future to speak of that you could conceptualize, nothing from your environment or experience to prove that you were anything other than a failure. But! Your Integrity was present, and as crazy as it seemed, you were feeling It. Indeed, for another year, while you were unemployed, you continued to feel the Integrity which is inseparable from you. And literally it saw you through all of the “messy evidences” of failure and total collapse.
Your experience of, your embrace of, and your owning of your Integrity, in spite of no supporting manifestations, was your Homing beacon. And I will tell you that it is what allowed you to speak with me, and for our line of communication to be established.
Now, here you are, nine years later, feeling a shift occurring, knowing that I have indicated that a shift is occurring, and as you have put it, actually going through a knothole yourself, and you haven’t lost everything, you do not have total evidence of failure from your world, and you are beginning to feel a loss of Integrity. This is not intelligent, Paul.
The reason you are losing the experience of your Integrity is because you are trying to honor the “flock” around you and what you think it can tolerate—as though somehow, you, for your reasons, have become the leader of the flock, when the fact is that the members of the flock created the flock by deciding for their reasons to fly with you.
You must be very matter-of-fact here. Welcome them to fly with you. And also welcome them to not fly with you. Be very clear, yourself, and don’t be afraid to make it very clear to them that you do not want a flock; that the formation of a flock is not the essential means of getting back into the Kingdom of Heaven; and that if they wish to flock with you, they are welcome to, but to own the fact that they are flocking with you for their own reasons, and that you are not participating in a projected role of leadership. You are just being you, coming Home for your own reasons.