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There is nothing,
you can create
that is not an expression
of your longing to awaken.
December 9, 1987
So, I am here. I have moved into my apartment. It is just right. Even from the kitchen I can gaze out over rooftops across Commencement Bay without having to pause from doing the dishes! For the past week I have enjoyed coming home in the evening and sitting in my only chair, here by the dining room window, overlooking the harbor. This weekend I will pick up a very old and worn couch and chair, the antique kind with big, overstuffed arms, and high, rounded backs, the wooden legs hand-carved. Now I’m getting used to this simplicity, the place will seem almost cluttered.
Gently rocking back and forth, drinking in the quiet, I barely notice the gathering dusk as light steals away into night, dissolving the boundaries between water and tugboat, between earth and sky.
Yes, I feel that vibration starting. It no longer startles me, since I know it will only persist until I recognize it, as one might knock upon your door, softly at first, then louder and louder until the door is answered. I prefer softness, so I casually retrieve pen and paper from the nearby counter and return to my rocker.
Now, we begin.
Thank you for allowing Me this communication with you. I want first to share my feelings with you regarding your present life status. I think you know what I mean by that.
“Well, if I don’t, I’m sure it will be made clear!”
Yes, it will.
Your doubt as to the validity
of your experience with Me,
only clearly identifies the degree
to which you are still held sway
by your belief in Separation.
For to doubt this communication process
is to deny your own experiential reality or -
to put it quite bluntly -
to deny your own existence.
For to deny a part, is to deny the whole.
The significance of this is paramount.
Simply because it includes denial
of your own Sonship.
Do you see?
Enlightenment is frightful from where you are,
because you recognize there is no being
One lives either in darkness or in light.
Any other perspective
stems merely from the ego’s desire
to validate one’s present form of existence
from my perspective -
is merely nonexistence -
since its worth is reduced to virtually nothing,
when weighed against the worth
of living as the Son.
“I come with fire and with a sword.”
These are words I did in fact utter,
to emphasize that my purpose was,
to sever human consciousness
from its infatuation with illusion.
As you are aware,
the symbol of fire has always expressed transformation.
It is a burning up of materials
which creates a space for what is new.
The sword cleaves what it strikes.
It separates a whole into parts,
and effectively stops whomever is struck.
“Jeshua, sometimes - even now as I hurry to write down these words - I sense a fear about all this. Why?”
That is a good question, Marc.
Why do you fear it?
I have hinted at the direction of your answer,
but you are well aware that it is you
who must remedy this situation.
The ultimate act of responsibility
is to truly respond to one’s initial creative act -
separation from the Holy Father -
and to rectify it.
I have shared with you earlier that this
is accomplished by allowing.
if it is allowing
that restores the Son to the Father,
must it not be only resisting
that sustains the belief in separation?
“Somehow, that feels quite true.”
As it must.
you have brought yourself to this place
as a response to your perceived limitations
thrust upon you from what lies outside you.
Yet you fully recognize
there is nothing outside you
with the power to limit you
without your permission to do so.
The only concern here is this:
how will you respond to what you have created?
I will share with you this: there is nothing,
you can create
that is not the expression
of your longing to awaken.
Nor can there ever be a creation of yours
which does not contain within it
the jewel of your enlightenment.
Allowing is always the key,
Silence the doorway.
My offering to you this evening
is that you remember your soul’s purpose
in coming here.
You have deliberately created
an environment of silence.
It is all set up for you,
because you know what matters,
Will you not use the key you have discovered,
now that there is recognition
that you stand in the doorway?
“Knock and it shall be opened unto you.”
Of course, it shall be.
To knock upon the door,
from the stance of clear recognition
of one’s own creation,
is to express
the power of intention
to enter the Kingdom.
This entrance is merely a change of position,
the assumption of a new “stance”.
It is the difference
between Light and darkness,
between Reality and illusion, between - shall we say -
Being and non-being.
You will never hear me acquiesce
to your insistence on illusion
merely to pacify your ego.
This would be of the greatest disservice to you.
I go now,
yet always I remain.
yet I am but you.
you have come to hear Me.
you will come to know Me.
for I am your own highest self.
I am the Self of all.
I am the Christ,
the only begotten of the Father,
and that is who you are, always.
Blessings upon you.
December 17, 1987
It has been one of those days. Busy, too busy! The “I-guess-I-forgot-to-eat lunch-and-who-has-time-anyway?” kind of day. Weaving my way through the late afternoon traffic, I speed through a light just beginning to turn red, then dart into the drivethrough lane of the bank as it’s about to close. I smile pleadingly at the teller who pauses for a moment - clutching the window shade - and then smiles back and pushes the metal tray out for me.
Back on the road, I am halfway home - still weaving through traffic - before I realize that it is okay to slow down now. Noticing that my breathing is short and quick, I deliberately relax my abdomen and chest, focusing on letting my breath naturally find a deeper, smoother rhythm. My foot eases up on the accelerator a bit, and I become aware of my surroundings; the old man walking slowly down the sidewalk, fallen leaves on the street dancing gently in the breeze, a few sailboats in the harbor.
This time, there is no announcement of his presence, unless I have been too hyped up to notice.
Marc, take your Bible, and turn to Matthew 7:5-8.
It startles me, and I look around, reacting to this suggestion as if I fear someone might have noticed. Along with the words comes an image of my Bible laying open on a table. All the words on the open pages are red, indicating that these are words attributed to Jesus.
‘Right,’ I think to myself. ‘Now where did that come from?’ I feel the familiar emotions of resistance and subtle fear. I really do not want to deal with this. Can’t I just go home and watch television, or something equally mundane and normal? I do not own a television. Perhaps now would be an appropriate time to buy one.
“Even if I did open my Bible, those verses will probably all be in black. Ha!”
Once home, I immediately occupy myself with very important things like balancing my checkbook, dusting (probably the first time dusting has ever been a priority), and even vacuuming.
Having completed all those “critical” chores, I relax and begin practicing some gentle, flowing yoga postures, just getting into the joy of feeling my body move and stretch, breathing deeply and evenly, delighting as the day’s stress and fatigue seem to dissolve.
I have effectively forgotten about Jeshua’s suggestion. Then my eyes happen to fall on my Bible, covered with dust, half-buried in obscurity beneath books and papers on the lowest shelf of my bookcase. If my face weren’t on the floor I wouldn’t be able to see it at all.
“Damn. Here we go again.” That familiar feeling is again present. I take my Bible from its grave - when was the last time I opened this thing? - and tentatively thumb through it until I find Matthew, Chapter 7, Verses 5-8, and read:
“Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam from thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote from thy brother’s eye.
Give not that which is holy unto dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you.
Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.
For everyone that asketh, receiveth; and he that seeketh, findeth; and to him that knocketh, it shall be opened.”
Both pages, every word of every verse, are printed in red. Then, his familiar voice:
Now, we begin.
Marc, these four verses should be read together;
they are of great importance to the
Are you aware of what the beam is?
As I contemplate it, I first see a log, or something quite solid stuck in someone’s eye, blocking their view. But the image doesn’t feel quite right. Then the image shifts and I see a beam emitted from the eyes toward another figure. The beam is multicolored. It feels like I have grasped something.
“It’s seeing the other person. It’s, hmmm…” I stumble for words.
It is judgment, Marc.
It is judgment that must first be cast out,
for it is your only imperfection.
With it, your behavior toward your brother
will necessarily be an attempt to save him
according to your egocentric views.
only Love can effect meaningful change.
There cannot exist Love
where there is already judgment,
for judgment is the denial of loving.
Verse Six is almost always seen
through the eyes of judgment.
“Dogs” and “swine” are pictured as having less worth.
This is not so.
They represent the unawakened consciousness.
They “trample” wisdom out of their innocent ignorance,
“rending” you with all that they know:
egos use other egos.
It is all that they know.
It is never your responsibility
to cast your wisdom before the sleeping,
but to follow the keys of verses seven and eight:
give when asked,
for without asking,
wisdom has no place to be received.
Before helping your brother,
“Ask, and it shall be given you”
what steps to follow.
Do not reason what you hear,
for it is the voice of the Father
given through the Holy Spirit
that you are hearing.
You cannot know what is required by your brother,
although your judgment will lead you
to believe that you do.
How can this be applied to your life?
Dwell upon this.
Blessings upon you.
December 18, 1987
I have finished a late supper, and relish the thought of simply sitting in my rocker and looking out over the harbor at the boats, watching the last traces of twilight give way to night, and sipping a cup of hot chocolate as if it were the only experience to be had anywhere in this universe. Not tonight.
I pause and savor the feeling that comes with His presence. A sublime peace.
You will find it somewhat difficult to write
with your eyes closed.
Reluctantly, I open them, momentarily afraid the connection will be lost. It is not.
Now, we begin.
What distances have been traveled?
What paths have been walked?
How many lifetimes in the twinkling of an eye?
For verily I say unto you,
when the soul first stirs from its long slumber,
there begins a movement which will never be denied.
Of this have I spoken with you.
It need not concern us here.
That which I will address comes before us now
as a reflection of present times,
and time yet to come,
soon in your reckoning of the passage of events.
For know this:
the future is a tendency resting on present choice.
Not of things believed or seen,
but on feeling
allowed to penetrate the heart.
Hear me well:
that peace which passes all understanding
will inevitably manifest
as peace seen visibly
upon the face of the earth.
Strivings for peace,
while perceived as noble
through the eyes of your world,
lead nowhere if there is not first peace
in the heart of him who would act.
“Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His Righteousness,
and all these things will be added unto you.”
The world has not heard these words,
spoken by me to the world,
yet heard by me from the lips
of one Teacher we each have known.
You know of whom I speak.
the tendency of which we speak
is that known as upheaval,
is that known as travail,
for short is the time
when the earth will wait
no longer for the son of man to awaken.
Those whose hearts stir, and begin to transcend
the limits of social mediocrity
still hear not deeply enough.
For the way is easy,
and the burden is light.
Desire the Kingdom above all else.
allow the recognition
that you are the Kingdom
to be remembered.
rest in the peace
that forever must pass all understanding.
Herein is the heart of all gospels.
And what understanding is passed,
save that of the world’s?
Trust not those who see day in the dark of night.
For what they say a thing is,
it is not.
And what it is,
they know not.
Neither do they ask,
for the question is not yet born within them.
Listen not to those who speak,
yet know not what they utter.
Hear only the voice of the Father,
who speaks to you through the Comforter.
He is heard only when you rest.
He is heard only when you are silent.
Is the Way yet unclear?
Desire, allow, rest.
For in silence is perfect rest,
and here the ever-so-faint sound
of the Comforter’s voice
rings as notes struck from the crystal glass.
Certainty resides there,
and there alone.
we come because we love you.
You are all that the Father has made you to be.
One thought, complete.
be that which you are,
and you are the Light of the world.
Of what value has your suffering been?
But for a moment’s experience,
a sudden fantasy.
It has not fed you,
but with the illusion of sustenance.
Suffering is but the enduring of Separation;
the embracing of one’s only thought.
It is time to release your hold.
In doing so,
and this I well promise,
I - who am the only begotten of the Father -
will dissolve that thought in the brilliance
of a Light incomprehensible:
the Light you are.
And it will be as if the thought had never been.
Herein lies the meaning of words
but seldom understood:
“I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life,
and no man comes unto the Father
but by Me.”
Those who would share My vision
have but one duty:
to rest in the peace they already are.
Craving not the world,
having set above and apart the Kingdom
of the blessed Father,
serving God not through doing,
but by loving the presence of the Kingdom
above imagined fantasies,
or that which the world is.
“For if any man loves the world,
love for the Father is not in him.”
How many dare to accept this simple truth?
It is the key,
given freely to anyone who would pass through
the eye of the needle.
I love you.
Can I do other but love that which I AM?
For those who see it not,
the blaze of your glory shines before Me.
I see not but Myself,
the Son of God.
See with these eyes, and these alone.
Herein lies the salvation of the world.
Beloved, the time is at hand.
and fear not.
December 20, 1987
Now, we begin.
Marc, I would ask that you again open your Bible,
and we will guide you to those words
you most need to hear at this time.
I walk to my bookcase, grab my Bible (God, twice in just a few days; my mother would be in shock!), and sit down.
“Well,” I think to myself, “what the heck am I supposed to read this time?” No, that is not the proper attitude, just let go of expectation. Soon I grow quiet. Then:
Turn to Mark 4:9 and begin reading.
It’s all in red again. Do these “coincidences” ever end? Can’t there be a mistake somewhere along the line? I mean, I’m beginning to realize there is something going on here, and if I can find no way to explain it away, I’m going to have to do something with it. Why does that always cause in me shivers of dread?
I feel a sudden quickening, like a surge of energy leaping up my spine.
remember these words always,
and doubt of your journey will not overcome you.
Now, turn to John 5:10.
I begin reading a story of how Jesus healed a man on the Jewish Sabbath, and how the Jews wished to slay him because not only had he broken a law, he had claimed equality with God.
I continue reading until I come to Verse 23:
It is with great demand for attention
that I speak now of this teaching.
For those who build their temples
and enter therein,
only to give supplication
to an image of Me
created in the minds of man,
thereby thinking they “honoreth the Son”,
be it clearly known that they honor Him not.
The Son is one,
without a second.
What does this mean?
I am not the Son,
and you a “second” which must be saved.
I am not above you.
I am the Son,
as also you are.
For the Son dwells within the heart of all,
whether in this universe or another.
can you honor Me
without honoring the Son
the Son that you are?
There is a great truth
given by the seers of your Eastern lands,
which you are familiar with as “Brahman-Atman”.
It simply means that the spirit
dwelling in the heart of man -
which spirit he is,
before the identification with illusions -
is the one spirit which dwells in all life:
Brahman, or God the Father.
must first be given the Son
dwelling within one’s own heart.
It is only by so doing
that you could possibly honor Me.
In this sense alone,
to honor Me is to honor him who has sent Me,
even as He has sent you forth -
each of you -
to express the fullness
of the Love He is.
And if the Son be not dwelling in all things,
I would not have spoken to you:
“Cleave wood, I am there.
Lift up a rock,
there you shall find Me also.”
To see into the heart of all things
is to behold the splendor
of the Son.
Herein is the mystery of the Kingdom known.
Lo, I am with you always,
for we are but One,
the only begotten Son.
This is enough for today.
I am gladdened that you are surrendering
your resistance to Me.
With that shall grow a peace
you have only faintly imagined,
and your imagination
is but a shadow of remembrance
of that Light,
from which you have journeyed forth.
The Prodigal Son is every soul,
the Son cloaked in his choice
to forget who he is,
in order to dream a dream which occurs
in but an instant.
awakening from the Dream
is of no greater effort
than that of opening your eyes.
Let the eyes of the Son,
given to each,
now be open.
December 22, 1987
Now, we begin.
Here I will speak with you
concerning the glory
which is to be upon the earth plane.
For as it has been written
so shall it be.
And in those days
there shall spring forth from the heavens
a sound unknown to mortal ears,
yet a sound instantly recognized
by the soul of man.
It is the sound of the Comforter’s voice,
signaling the end of the world,
yet not of the earth,
nor of space and time.
For the end of the world
is not the end of creation,
but its fulfillment.
Here shall be witnessed in every heart
the awakening of the One Son,
dispelling the darkness of Separation.
This I speak unto you:
it shall come to pass in the span
of your final lifetime,
which even now is,
upon this your beloved earth.
There shall be “weeping and gnashing of teeth”.
Not all desire the return of Light.
Not all desire the awakening of the Son.
These shall be in travail,
yet held lovingly in the embrace of the Father
who is as a wise parent,
waiting for His child’s dream to end,
but moving not to disturb it.
Such is the quality of Unconditional Love.
Not seen upon the earth is the Light to come.
For the eyes of man will behold it
from all places.
The sleeping will be roused before the eyes are filled,
and those busy will be stilled,
for first it will be recognized in the soul.
Hasten then to the countryside,
for the earth will shudder
as the Light dawns upon the gaze of man.
and be of exceeding good cheer,
for the Day of the Lord shall be at hand.
For the “Day of the Lord”
is the awakening of the Son
within the soul of all those
who diligently seek the Kingdom
of the Holy Father.
Those who seek it not
will find it not.
I give tidings of joy to you.
What I speak is prophecy.
For is not the task of the messenger
to share his message?
All that you are you have chosen to be:
a messenger of the heart.
Fear not the minds of others,
for with this sharing their enlightenment begins,
Live the truth you know,
and you will know the freedom you seek.
Wait on no one.
Is it not time to surrender
that last trembling trace of your dream?
Would you grasp a drop of water
while about you lies the vast ocean?
Come home with Me, beloved.
Daily I will come to you,
for we quicken our pace now,
and much there is to set in place.
Be that which the Father has given unto you.
For as I, too,
had need of surrendering,
so does every soul upon every plane
within every universe.
The choice is simple:
Life, or continuing illusion.
Deep is our love for you who suffer,
yet demand that your suffering continue.
Deep is our love for you who seek us,
only to avoid us.
You have asked,
and we have answered.
The end of the Dream is certain.
Gently nod your assent,
and the world shall be no more,
burnt forever in the blaze of Reality:
the Kingdom of the Holy Father.
I cannot describe what I feel. Perhaps I feel nothing. Jeshua’s energy has never been so powerful, so direct, so blunt. I feel as though I cannot move a muscle, nor think a thought. Yet I realize a part of me is terrified at this.
Prophecy. It goes against every grain in my being. My reasoning mind cannot accept this, yet I see clearly this is only because it is “unreasonable.” Right now I cannot reason at all.
I suddenly feel that shift of energy again:
Very good, Marc.
It can come so easily when you choose
the key of allowing.
And this ease foretells the gentleness
with which the Kingdom is borne,
while yet in a world which would see it not.
My mission was not a burden.
Nor is any when the soul allows the Kingdom
to shine forth from within.
Free yourself of this senseless fear,
for it is not by effort that you will act,
for you will experience only the incredible joy
of being carried by the arms
of the Father’s Love.
The way is easy,
for as many as would ask
are given the keys to the Kingdom.
You have received the keys,
now accept them.
Use them to unlock the final door,
for the treasure is nigh at hand.
Will you tarry longer when you know
there is no purpose in doing so?
Come home, traveler.
Come home, dreamer.
My peace I give unto you.
December 26, 1987
Good evening, Marc.
“Good evening, Jeshua. How is it that this communication can happen like this, so…”
I would suggest that you write this down, please.
Now, we begin.
are you yet without understanding,
or is it merely your resistance to the obvious
that brings such questions?
“Well, yes, I guess it is my resistance.”
Yes, it is only that.
And what would you resist?
The very Life you have always sought?
“Something in me does draw back. I think I fear it.”
What I will share with you this evening
will bring an end to your resistance
if you will but reflect on what is given
but a little.
Life is easily understood.
It is the joyful flowing forth of creation -
which is the Son’s rightful duty -
emanating from the completed thought of the Father.
All worlds already are,
held within the Holy Father.
That Thought is what you are.
It is the “essential you”.
“Be ye therefore perfect, lacking nothing.”
For that perfection is what you are.
Being that requires virtually no effort.
For the ego,
this is utter confusion.
It is thoroughly incomprehensible that
there is nothing to do.
I have previously given you the keys
and it would be good
for you to reflect on these.
I am a part of you,
as you are a part of Me.
in the forms of Being
does not end.
We are of one Heart,
Again, I would simply state:
The Son is One,
without a second,
and that alone is the truth of what you are.
In releasing all resistance to this one fact
is found the peace, which most assuredly,
passes all understanding.
For in awakening from your dream
to the Reality of who you are,
your only thought - that of Separation - ends forever:
the Father and Son are revealed as One.
I would advise you not to endeavor
to make your peace in the world.
This is to insist on sustaining but an illusion
which must inevitably grow old.
Put it away as a child does an old toy.
“But isn’t that a denial of life?”
Illusions hold no life.
Your question expresses your resistance.
It expresses your deeply held belief that the world
must be real in some way.
The world is the illusion of Separation.
The world insists upon this,
as it must.
The struggle you feel,
the pain which brings on your fatigue,
is but the result of your monumental effort
to remain in the world,
to insist on its reality,
when already you have moved beyond it.
Your refusal to acknowledge this
is a denial of your own Self,
and is based on fear of the Father’s Kingdom.
“For my Kingdom is not of this world.”
Allow me to clarify this for you.
The Kingdom does not exist in some other location.
“For the Kingdom of heaven is spread upon the earth,
but man sees it not.”
He cannot see the Kingdom because he insists
on seeing the world.
Therefore, I taught:
“Ye cannot serve God and mammon.”
It is simply impossible to enter the Kingdom,
and yet remain in the world.
Will you disappear?
But probably not.
the world is all that you perceive
from the viewpoint of Separation.
and all that remains is the Kingdom.
Let not others minimize this:
the Kingdom is as far from the world
as the east from the west,
yet if you did not reside always within it,
you would not be.
There is but a slight difference
between enlightenment and ignorance:
Your intention reflects your choice:
whether continued belief
in the illusion of Separation,
or the acceptance of Atonement
with the Holy Father.
You do touch this truth occasionally.
All do, if only in their sleep.
Faith is never enough.
For where there is faith in God,
there is Separation from all that God is.
“This is too much. Surely I’ve got to be making all of this up.”
Of course you are.
The “you” who is the only begotten of the Father
is making it all up.
As you have made the world
through your one thought of Separation,
do you create the salvation of mankind.
And is not man but the expression of the Son
still bound to illusion?
many years ago in this life,
you prayed to Me for guidance home.
that you were thoroughly lost.
Never have I left you.
All that you have created I have used
to shape your journey from sleep into waking.
So it is with all who ask from the heart,
whose intention is clear.
The Kingdom cannot be comprehended
by the minds of those
who insist upon the beliefs of the world.
Only when the world is allowed to end
is the Kingdom entered.
The doors are as many as the sons of man.
Before each and everyone is their door
that leads to Light.
Closer than their own breath,
and paper thin.
Our time is well spent this evening.
I look forward to the day when
you come willingly,
without the need for Me to ask for your attention.
It is a day not far off now.
I love you,
for I love Myself.
love - self-love -
is ultimately the only door into the Kingdom.
It is a love forsaken in the moment
of that one thought,
from which has arisen all worlds.
Now I leave you,
yet remind you that I am with you.
I can hardly be anywhere else,
since I am as you are:
the Son of the Father,
truly begotten before all worlds.
Is there yet wonder that these communications
Dwell upon this.
December 28, 1987
Now, we begin.
Know that the vision of Me,
seen in your meditation,
is quite valid.
I have appeared to you now several times -
seven in total -
for it is not with physical eyes
that one sees the essence
of what alone is Real.
To see requires what can be called inner vision.
You have developed this
to a high degree.
Allow Me here to share but one thought,
one teaching, one lesson.
Others may, of course,
benefit from this,
yet for a teaching to be well received,
there is a need for the possibility
True teaching, then,
is an art requiring sensitivity
to the receptiveness of the student.
The thought is this:
In all things,
there will be discovered
that which is of the world,
and that which is of the Kingdom.
These are known in but one way:
that which is of the world
will demand that you perceive it from ego.
There will be felt then an attraction,
a need, a desire.
Behind this can be discerned
a sense of restlessness.
This is the process
by which the world is released.
By so doing,
one automatically discovers
that which the Kingdom is: peace.
there is the direct knowing
that one lacks nothing.
the world is sustained
by choosing the quality of experience
The Kingdom is revealed
when this habit is abandoned.
The essence of the thought is this,
and you know it well:
“Nothing real can be threatened.
Nothing unreal exists.”
Practice this lesson,
and great shifts will occur.
I give you peace.
Not as the world gives,
give I unto you,
for I am your final Teacher.
And the student shall be as the Teacher,
teaching the Kingdom of the Holy Father,
helping to deliver yet another
from the bondage of self-induced blindness.
Thus is the Son awakened.
Thus is the world transformed.
Release not the vision,
for the Kingdom shall be known upon the earth.
It will come to pass
while yet you live in this life.
And this is the Kingdom:
that the Father and the Son are One.
shall the earth rejoice and bear fruit
as yet unseen by the eyes of man,
save in the distant reflections
of an ancient memory when man walked in God,
and knew it.
Remember what is spoken here.
Blessings upon you.
December 29, 1987
Something is going on, deep within me. It is a stirring, a movement beginning at a place so deep within me that it feels like discovering a brand new room in my own home. It is like a tremor which, I sense, wants to grow.
It is all quite odd. It feels as though I want nothing but to be alone in this beautiful, serene apartment. The feeling is an attraction, yes, but it borders on urgent necessity. Every day I rush home, only to be inundated with a plethora of avoidance thoughts: “I should go to a movie.” “I should go have a few beers.” “I could call all my friends.” “Is the laundry done?” It goes on and on and on.
“I’ll meditate. That’s what I’ll do.”
Sitting and breathing rhythmically only serves to heighten my awareness of this dancing kaleidoscope within my mind. I see at its roots, fear. I am frightened. God, I feel like a cornered cat who, nevertheless, wants to be cornered.
I do my best to suppress any thoughts of The Jeshua Letters. That is what is frightening me, the thought of making this public. Fear? It is more than that. It is terror. The information Jeshua is giving me flies right in the face of Christian theology, and that makes me shudder.
There have been so many communications these past few weeks, breathtaking in their eloquence, profound in their philosophy, striking in their impact. Recalling especially Jeshua’s instructions to read specific scriptures from the Bible, I can only nervously chuckle to myself, “Bible study was never like this!”
His teachings have affected me in ways and to depths that I cannot yet understand, much less assimilate. It has been a Christmas season like no other, one in which I find myself unable to see as I had always seen, unable to participate in the ways I had always participated before, for the savior whose birth we celebrate is speaking to me now, today, and he speaks of a Christ, of a Truth, of a secret, labeled as heresy by the very Christian authorities who love Him.
Emotion builds within me, and my eyes wander through this unpretentious, sparsely furnished apartment. Is this why I have come here? Is this what has been compelling me to a place and time of solitude, a solitude that calls to me, and from which, in the same moment, I want to run?
How is it that I can resist with such strong will the very experience that seems to flow so effortlessly? Why do I struggle against the incredible peace and certainty I experience with Jeshua? What is it within me that, despite all of my avoidance games, continues to impel me along this journey?
I am beginning to recognize the import of Jeshua’s message. It touches my mind softly, momentarily, like the ray of sunshine that finds a crack in a sky of clouds and startles me in its sudden illumination, yet is already hidden by the time I look out the window, hoping to see it more directly.
To see that Light directly, unobscured - surely that is a goal unsurpassed! Yet I do not see clearly the veil that hides it, nor am I certain of how to remove the veil. I am compelled by an unknown force within me, seemingly against myself. Or have I denied my true self in order to identify with a self I am not?