T12.2 The Fear of Redemption
You may wonder why it is so crucial that you look upon your hatred and realize its full extent. You may also think that it would be easy enough for the Holy Spirit to show it to you and dispel it WITHOUT the need for you to raise it to awareness yourself. Yet there is one more complication which you have interposed between yourself and the Atonement which you do not yet realize. We have said that no-one will countenance fear if he RECOGNIZES it. Yet in your disordered state, you are NOT afraid of fear. You do not like it, but it is not your desire to attack which REALLY frightens you. You are not seriously disturbed by your hostility. You keep it hidden because you are MORE afraid of what it covers.
You could look even upon the ego’s darkest cornerstone without fear if you did not believe that, WITHOUT the ego, you would find within yourself something you fear even more. You are NOT afraid of crucifixion. Your real terror is of REDEMPTION. Under the ego’s dark foundation is the memory of God, and it is of THIS that you are really afraid. For this memory would INSTANTLY restore you to your proper place, and it is this place that you have sought to LEAVE.
Your fear of attack is nothing compared to your fear of love. You would be willing to look even upon your savage wish to kill God’s Son if you did not believe that it SAVES you from love. For this wish CAUSED the separation. You have protected it because you do not WANT the separation healed, and you realize that, by REMOVING the dark cloud that obscures it, your love for your Father would impel you to answer his call and leap into Heaven. You believe that attack is salvation to prevent you from THIS. For still deeper than the ego’s foundation, and much stronger than it will ever be, is your intense and burning love of God, and His for you. This is what you REALLY want to hide.
In honesty, is it not harder for you to say “I love” than “I hate”? You associate love with weakness and hatred with strength, and your own REAL power seems to you as your real WEAKNESS. For you could not control your joyous response to the call of love if you heard it, and the whole world you think you control WOULD vanish. The Holy Spirit, then, seems to be attacking your fortress, for you would shut out God, and He does not will to BE excluded.
You have built your whole insane belief system because you think you would be helpless in God’s Presence, and you would SAVE yourself from His Love because you think It would crush you into nothingness. You are afraid It would sweep you away from yourself, and make you little. For you believe that magnitude lies in defiance, and that attack is grandeur. You think you have made a world which God would destroy; and by loving Him, which you DO, you would throw this world away, which you WOULD. Therefore, you have used the world to COVER your love, and the deeper you go into the blackness of the ego’s foundation, the closer you come to the Love that is hidden there. AND IT IS THIS THAT FRIGHTENS YOU.
You can accept insanity because you made it, but you cannot accept love because you did NOT. You would rather be slaves of the crucifixion than Sons of God in redemption. For your INDIVIDUAL death is more valued than your living oneness, and what is GIVEN you is not so dear as what YOU made. You are more afraid of God than of the ego, and love cannot enter where it is not welcome. But hatred can, for it enters of ITS will and cares not for yours.
The reason you must look upon your delusions and not keep them hidden is that they do NOT rest on their own foundation. In concealment they appear to do so, and thus they seem to be self-sustained. This is the fundamental illusion on which they rest. For BENEATH them, and concealed as long as THEY are hidden, is the loving mind that THOUGHT it made them in anger. And the pain in this mind is so apparent, when it is uncovered, that its need of healing cannot BE denied. Not all the tricks and games you offer it can heal it, for here is the REAL crucifixion of God’s Son.
And yet he is NOT crucified. Here is both his pain AND his healing, for the Holy Spirit’s vision is merciful and His remedy is quick. Do not HIDE suffering from His sight, but bring it gladly to Him. Lay before His eternal sanity ALL your hurt, and LET Him heal you. Do not leave any spot of pain hidden from His light, and search your minds carefully for any thoughts which you may fear to uncover. For He will heal every little thought which you have kept to hurt you, and cleanse it of its littleness, restoring it to the magnitude of God.
Beneath all your grandiosity, which you hold so dear, is your real call for help. For you call for love to your Father as your Father calls you to Himself. In that place which you have hidden you will only to unite with the Father, in loving remembrance of Him. You will find this place of truth as you see it in your brothers, for though they may deceive themselves, like you they long for the grandeur that is in them. And perceiving it you will welcome it, and it will be YOURS. For grandeur is the RIGHT of God’s Son, and NO illusions can satisfy him or save him from what he IS. Only his love is real, and he will be content ONLY with his reality.
Save him from his illusions that you may accept the magnitude of your Father in peace and joy. But exempt no-one from your love, or you will be hiding a dark place in your mind where the Holy Spirit is not welcome. And you will exempt YOURSELF from His healing power, for by not offering total love you will not be healed completely. Healing must be as complete as fear, for love cannot enter where there is one spot of fear to mar its welcome.
You who prefer specialness to sanity could not obtain it in your right minds. You were at peace until you asked for special favor. And God did not give it, for the request was alien to Him, and you could not ask this of a Father Who truly loved His Son. Therefore you made of Him an unloving father, demanding of Him what only such a father could give. And the peace of God’s Son was shattered, for he no longer understood his Father. He feared what he had made, but still more did he fear his REAL father, having attacked his own glorious equality with Him.
In peace he needed nothing and asked for nothing. In war he DEMANDED everything and FOUND nothing. For how could the gentleness of love respond to his demands EXCEPT by departing in peace and returning to the Father? If the Son did not wish to remain in peace, he could not remain at all. For a darkened mind cannot live in the light, and it must seek a place of darkness where it can believe it is where it is not. God did not allow this to happen. Yet you DEMANDED that it happen, and therefore believed that it was so.
To “single out” is to “make alone,” and thus MAKE LONELY. God did not do this to you. Could He set you apart, KNOWING that your peace lies in His oneness? He denied you only your request for pain, for suffering is not of His creation. Having GIVEN you creation, He could not take it FROM you. He could but answer your insane request with a sane answer which would abide with you in your insanity. For His answer is the reference point BEYOND illusions, from which you can look back on them and SEE them as insane. But seek THIS place and you WILL find it, for love is in you and will lead you there.